So, You're a Doctor Now?

Lecture title this afternoon: So, You're a Doctor Now. 

Wait, what? I think their intention was to make me panic. I can assure you that the last thing I feel like is a doctor. This week has been a very, very clear indication of that. I'll be waiting another 7 or 8 years before that is actually true, and probably longer than that before it actually feels true. But, the question for which the lecture was named and the subsequent topics that followed allowed me to compile all of the emotions that I have experienced this past week into a pretty big realization.

Life never stops.

One achievement only sets you up for an even bigger pursuit. And that, I believe, is on purpose. Now, this realization came after a lot of thought, a lot of doubt, and a lot of “How in the world did I get myself into this”. But, despite an overwhelming reality check earlier this week, a reassuring phone call home, and some pep talks from some great been-there-done-that doctors, I’m starting to see everything a little more clearly. A surgeon out of Ohio articulates his experience like this, "When the phone call came in the early summer announcing that I had been accepted, I drove around like a madman, happy and delirious...I couldn't exactly articulate why I was so happy...I had been chosen was all I knew. Chosen to embark upon a life of service and honor. And all that jazz. But it doesn't last; life rolls on and consumes you and the next thing you know you're anxious about grades and AOA status and what specialty to pursue and which residency program to apply to..." He said it perfectly. That’s how I feel. I just got here, so why are so many people talking about boards and residencies and licensures? Can’t we just relish in the fact that we are med students a little bit? This same physician goes on to say that this experience, being a doctor, is all a “great Gift.” Right now, it just seems like a whole lot of work…and not exactly the great endeavor I had so clearly envisioned.

I was talking with Alison Roberts this past weekend and she mentioned that she just can't wait to be grown up--free from the stressful life we lead as college students. I've thought the same thing. For some reason, I have always imagined life in the future as easier. Don’t ask me why. But, so far it doesn’t seem to work that way. It doesn't get harder necessarily, but it definitely doesn't get easier. I have realized that it's not a bad thing, but it's just reality. There are always new challenges, new problems, new adventures or journeys. I’ve picked up on the not so nice realities of being an adult thanks to observing and talking to the older and wiser people in my life. (they’ve also imparted some of the oh-so-nice parts…)

But, this "grown-up" delusion was confirmed for me this afternoon when a 52 year old doctor who presented a lecture on surviving in medical school (a slightly relevant topic) stated that he was still waiting to find out what he was going to be when he was “grown up”. Is that because we think life becomes hunky dory, maybe even easy, when we grow up? I’ve decided I don’t like the term grown up. To a 4 year old, I guess I’d be a grown up. Weird. I think the part I don’t like about it is that it makes it seem like we can stop living and pursuing life when we are “grown up.” But, there’s always some new adventure to pursue(it may be good, it may be bad, but it’s an adventure none the less). Life never stops. Thankfully. Although, it is quite overwhelming at times…

Sometimes we carelessly wish life would stop. I do quite frequently. But, honestly, I don’t want it to. For some reason, when it does, I still hunger for more. I'm thankful for that hunger. I pray that it never ceases.