Thursday, May 2, 2013


About a week ago, I bought two little planting kits, one for tomatoes, and another for cilantro and basil. I planted these teeny, tiny, little seeds and doubted their ability to grow. Seriously doubted. I was actually expecting them not to grow. Well, guess what? They are growing. And now I'm doubting their ability to actually grow tomatoes or basil or cilantro. They looked so dead.

I've also been home this week, we have a week off of school so wisely placed during the first week of May as if someone knew I'd need a personal holiday right now. It also happens to be the week that spring decided to arrive, in all its beauty I might add. I've been watching the leaves bud on the trees and the flowers bloom in a day by day progression. It's kind of amazing. And with time to think, I've been thinking about how important it is for me to see something dead and seemingly lifeless, bloom.

I picked up Blue Like Jazz this week and am rereading a book for the first time in my life. I  can feel God speaking through it directly to my heart, which has felt lifeless for quite some time. Not that I'm not happy, I am very, very happy. But, I've learned I can be happy while still feeling far from God. That scares me. I have a family and so many friends, a career that I love, and the security of living in a safe, sheltered life. They all so  frequently take the place of God.

Donald Miller writes about Christian spirituality in Blue Like Jazz free from an explanation. I am realizing that for almost 25 years now I've been looking for a way to explain God. To explain my relationship with Him. I can't do it. And I think I have just realized for the first time in my life that I don't need to be able to explain it for it to be real. Why I have demanded an explanation from myself for so long probably stems from a life in academia, from a life in a first world country,  with many first world problems that often have proposed first world solutions. But, faith is being certain of what we cannot see. Knowing truth as something that has happened to us in the depths of our soul, not as something we have figured out. How freeing. Today I'm encouraged. I'm encouraged by the seeds that have sprouted, the trees that are blooming, and my heart that feels as if it is in communication with God. I can't explain it, but it's real.

It's like trying to explain where jazz music comes from.