Life has been and continues to be so cyclical.
In high school, I started out as a freshman, no real direction, and a set curriculum. By junior year, I felt established, played varsity sports, and was looking at colleges...I was excited and full of ideas and opportunities for the future.
In college, once again, I started over with a very rigid schedule full of core curriculum requirements. Then after a couple years, I decided on a major and began to dream about who I really want to be or where I wanted to invest myself; it became more my own.
Then I got to med school, where the same cycle is being repeated for the third time.[And will again for a fourth time once residency begins.] For the first two years there has been very little input on our part as to how our schedule looks. Some electives to choose from, but for the most part they are one time shadowing experiences and seminars that only last for a portion of the semester. You do as your told. But, now that second year is wrapping up, the exciting, what do I do after this 4 year cycle ends question is on my mind.
This morning we had a meeting on our third and fourth years of med school. And that's what got me thinking about all this...
Reality finally set it. It's so exciting to be back in the imaginative phase of the education cycle. To let the reality that it's actually time to start dreaming about where I'd like spend rotations in another state or country is scary, because I don't feel ready, exhilarating, because I am tired of the rigors of traditional academia, overwhelming, because it seems like there are so many awesome options to choose from, and nostalgic, because I can't believe how fast time has flown, I can't believe it's really time to think about these things.
I remember hearing about people ahead of me who were in my position 3 or 4 years ago. I was so envious of them. Now, I'm envious of those same people who are now graduating or beginning their internships. I caught myself longing once again for that feeling of having "arrived." I wanted to finally be out of the 4 year cycle of having to start from scratch. To finally be what I wanted to be when I was grown up. What if I could see myself as I saw other med students before I actually was one. I am where I wanted to be in that sense, but, I can't believe it.
Today I choose to believe it. To live today content and feeling as though I have arrived. Because as much as I want to bash medical school and studying, I'd be disappointed if I wasn't here. I pray that I don't wish to be graduating tomorrow or for a wealth of experience under my belt. I pray I'll be the inexperienced, eager, terrified, childish medical student I feel like. And that dreaming and planning about where the next two years will take me will motivate like it used to.
I'm so excited. I'm more excited to go to the CCHF conference and talk to people about where to do rotations because I'm finally at the stage where it's necessary to think about. I feel like I'm not just going for fun or the awesome stories, as has been the case in the past.
All this is motivating my boards studying...and blogging. :)