Breakdown Number 3

These are my favorite posts to come back to and read months or years later...

I had my third major breakdown since being a medical student yesterday. Just to be clear, I define major breakdown as an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy to the point of tears. It's usually accompanied by feelings of guilt (I think..."My life isn't that bad?!...I really shouldn't be upset") and confusion (thinking..."So...why in the world do I feel this way??"). There's also usually a run.

The conclusion and the good part? of what went down: I need more discipline in my life.

I read Proverbs 25:28 and immediately understood where most of my feelings yesterday had come from. "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control." I felt attacked. Every little thing felt like an attack. I usually pride myself on being flexible. Pride goes before the fall...I know. I know that now unfortunately better than I did before. Instead of meeting unexpected changes throughout the day with ease, they were obstacles.

The obstacles in the bad day included pressing snooze at least 6 times, a broken bike so I couldn't bike to school or to meet Alison for dinner, I had to do my taxes and the Internet kept going out...so I had to start over, I burned my tongue, I found out about a class I have that I didn't know I had coming up...what about studying for boards?!? and it involves group paper writing which is my least favorite thing ever, Meijer is reorganizing everything, so finding anything is more difficult, I had to go there because I ran out of toilet paper that morning, I failed my respiratory test the day before--ok, that was not unexpected, but still, didn't make me feel good, I tried listening to lectures, but couldn't speed them up and the professor talks so slow...And I cried. I hate crying. It feels ridiculous to write it out the day after. But it happened. And it happened because I was avoiding something I needed to realize.

Sometimes I use my relationships and connections outside of school as an avoidance to the reality that I am here. That I have really do have to study. I want to be a doctor more than I used to, mostly because that means I will no longer be a medical student. But, I have to be a student before becoming a doctor. Bummer.

So. I deleted Facebook. Which subsequently means no more Spotify. And it feels good. Being productive, having a balance, feels good. I'm trying harder to regain discipline I used to have, while maintaining an easy going, flexible spirit. Balance, why is that so hard?! Ah to be a sophomore in college. Better yet, a junior in high school. The good ole days...when I was disciplined. And life was slightly less complicated. Discipline is freeing for me right now. Deleting Facebook was freeing.

Unrelated. Amanda shared a new song with me. And I'm going to pass it along. It's an attempt to end positively.